♪ i thought.. we were proving them wrong

fregging. tired.

it's 8.48pm and i think i have fully exhausted myself for the last 3,4 days..

i hope no one's gonna be parked outside my house at 6am tonight. another day... too tired.
and although chris is leaving tmr ;(
--

PS: i am a-okay. nobody worry please. i mean... i am NOT ok. too much shit's been happening. went for a shower and came back to 4msgs from different ppl about diff things.. asking if i was okay. & that doesn't even fully show u half of my problems. everything has crumbled. life is more screwed than ever. if life fails me, i will have the backup of script-writing with my own life story. and then selling it off as if i was a genius like a memoirs of a geisha... except lying about the auto-biography. (hahaar.. ok. off track)
but the point is. i'm ok. i'm numb. in a good way. let's call it, a damn peaceful, merciful protective layer filled with love from God. no joke. thanks God. it's like.. the thinnest string holding me btwn life and the valley of darkness just broke. and when i thought that that would completely break me. it didn't. that little string broke; everything crumbled; i lost everything dear.
but the protective layer just instinctively took over. kept me from falling apart.
amazingly, i'm still in tact. i'm still walking; breathing; laughing.

i'm not being noble or heroic.

i'm giving up.

i'm not giving up on life, - i've just stopped trying...
i've stopped trying so hard to be... really. - i call it inner peace.

also... sometimes. it's that protective defense mechanism that comes up, in time of need. to detach me from circumstances... just so i am in control of situations when no one else is. HENCE, i stand corrected... it's not me being good in chaos. it is me slapping out of that enormous emotional side of me to stay focused in control because i need me to be. they need me to be.

taaadaaa. then give me a day or two for reality to sink in. then i'd crumble and die in a corner.

but that's ok.

yeah, me neither
8:47 PM

G.
To me, she will always be twenty-one
and I will always be twenty-three.

don't try to get in my head
you won't like the mess

you jump, i jump, jack



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